you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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