she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
