I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Randomize
