Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
