PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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