time to smoke my breakfast
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
