A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
