i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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