really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
