3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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