every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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