Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
