I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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