if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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