I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
