Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
