:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
