Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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