My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
