I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
