What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
