All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
