Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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