The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
