Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
