its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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