Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
