first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
