I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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