that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So vagazzling was a success
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
