Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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