you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
