She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
