I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
