i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
