What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
