omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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