u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
