I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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