Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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