Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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