it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
