She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
