I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
