um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
