god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize