i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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