The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
