i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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