I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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