Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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