It's Friday. Sex?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
