god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I will be naked everywhere
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
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