I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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