I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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