The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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