Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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